Sex Advice From Butchers

*originally published on Nerve.com, September 11th, 2009. Here is the unedited version.

Laurence a/k/a Larbo, 48

1,) Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?

Absolutely. If you are engaged with what you are doing with your whole being–head, heart, and hands–your thinking will change the way you work and your work will change the way you think. On the one hand, working with meat demystifies the human body. So much of our culture–like most of advertising–is devoted to selling fantasies about our bodies and about sex. As a result, much of life can seem pretty disappointing simply because it fails to live up to the script running in our head 24/7. Knowing exactly where your meat comes from, slaughtering it, breaking it down, all help keep you grounded in the actual, physical, tangible realities of meat. In the slaughterhouse, nothing is airbrushed.

This does not mean devaluing all flesh as so much “meat.” On the contrary and on the other hand, it means revaluing meat in all its minute particularity and singularity as something special, mysterious. As Wendell Berry writes, “we are living from mystery, from creatures we did not make and powers we can not comprehend.” In this sense, every meal is a holy communion. All this may seem far removed from sex, but it’s not. The ingestion of meat, making it one flesh with our flesh, is fundamentally no different from the dominant idea of marriage or from what we do with our bodies and all their orifices during sex: licking, sucking, savoring, biting, devouring–trying to incorporate an other that we know will always remain other, mysterious.

2.) Have you ever thought about sex while you’re handling meat?

I’m a guy. You might as well ask does your heart beat, do you breathe or blink while you’re working? But of course there is more to it than that. Meat is a once-living and still sensuous material, and, even though it’s “dead,” it will speak to you of life, of natural life processes. Once, cutting up a side of beef that came from a three-year-old bull, the meat had a rich, heady, metallic smell, like iron; if you were open to suggestion, it reminded you of the strong, metallic smell of menstrual blood. Not a turn on, but a reminder of how the flow of blood is part and parcel of the cycle of fertility, of regeneration.

3.) Should someone approach sex with a carnivorous appetite, no matter their eating habits?

It’s not a question of should. Unless you’re having sex with a carrot or a tofu dog, sex IS carnivorous. (Even then, I would argue.) Sex is the act of entrusting yourself wholly to the other, implanting yourself in the other. Sex is a Dionysian act of sacrifice, which means dying, letting yourself be devoured, and resting in the other. (In French, the flaccidity of the penis that follows orgasm is called la petite morte or “the little death.”) “Making love” is the reciprocal desire to devour the other, to eat them up–even if you do it ever so politely, and eat them “with a spoon.” All the acts of introjection that are part of sex–the tongue or penis in any of the body’s orifices, words whispered into the inmost recesses of the ear, etc.–are all of a piece with the consumption of meat.

So is there any such thing as strictly vegetarian love or sex? Is there any keeping of the other without blood sacrifice? The speaker of the poem, To My Coy Mistress writes of “My vegetable love,” but I think he’s being coy about just what is “grow[ing].”

4.) As the old saying goes, “The way to one’s heart is through their stomach.” How would you put this bit of wisdom into practice?

A very good question. Again, I think it all comes back to the quest or question of incorporation. Love is wanting to hold the other in us, in “our heart,” as used to be symbolized by encasing a lock of hair or a photograph in a locket, worn on the breast. Nowadays, I suppose we get a tattoo of a heart with our lover’s name inscribed in it. If love is also about giving oneself to be kept, about giving (oneself to) the other to eat, then, yes, food enters into it and it all passes through the stomach.

“Food is love” is a common expression. We show our love by giving food, by feeding our lover or loved ones, but it is never simply about the food on our plate. What we need to ask is, what are we feeding them with the food we put on the plate? If we are feeding them fast food, processed or prepared food, in other words, food to which we have contributed almost nothing, then we may be keeping their bodies alive but we are starving them of love. Love requires putting yourself in the food in some way, injecting yourself, and then giving of that food to your lover, your loved ones, your friends, so that you are also giving something of yourself to be eaten.

5.) Should love always need be a messy, if not sometimes bloody, affair?

Love and sex ARE messy and bloody! Again, seeing things this way is part of the realism of someone who works with meat. If you can’t deal with blood and mess as part of love and life, then you are still living in some airbrushed fantasy world and you haven’t come to grips with the fact that death is part of life. This does not mean that blood should be spilled every time you make love. There’s no need for that! If you are really making love, if you are really cutting yourself in pieces and feeding them to your lover, if you are leaving pieces of yourself in the other, then there will be plenty of mess, and blood will flow, sooner or later, trust me!

6.) In the attempt to go exclusive with someone, is it best to just cut to the chase or let the mystifying flirtations and games marinate into something potentially fulfilling?

Asking a meat man, I take it that by asking “is it best to just cut to the chase” you are asking “should we just get to the meat of the matter” and forget about any appetizers, side dishes, and, above all!, that goddam fig leaf or parsley that just gets in the way.

Whew! You’ve got me at a loss; I really don’t know what to say. I guess it depends on whether “the meat of the matter” is really the meat of the matter for you. As I hope I’ve made clear, in lovemaking there are so many ways that we give ourselves to be eaten that the meat is just one of them and may not be the most important for you.

7.) My boyfriend and I both love going to the movies, but all he ever wants to see is bloody horror and action flicks, which I secretly despise. How do we reach a compromise without a.) hurting his feelings and b.) wasting any more of his or my money?

Now this is a question meant for a butcher! Even if one isn’t a kosher or halal butcher, all butchering has its roots in regulating, mastering leukorhea or the flow of blood.

So my advice is: learn to love the blood. I am not saying there is nothing you can do about it, so just lie back, relax, and surrender yourself to the splatterfest. Not at all. But “bloody horror” flicks are a great place to start thinking about how powerfully blood is encoded in our culture. Looking at the first books of the old testament, Julia Kristeva notes how blood is associated both with men, a propensity for murder, and death on the one hand and (through menstruation) with women and fertility on the other. As she stresses, blood “becomes a fascinating semantic crossroads, the propitious place for abjection where death and femininity, murder and procreation, cessation of life and vitality all come together.” Think of splatter films as a chance to see this vast cultural drama on the big screen, as a struggle over the meaning of blood and who controls it.

If you can learn to do this, not only will you stop wasting your money, but you never know your luck. By cultivating a nose, a taste, an appetite for blood, by becoming a connoisseuse of blood, and by sharing your thoughts, you might even be able to spoil your boyfriend’s taste for such gory movies!

8.) Don't get me wrong, I love the girl I'm seeing now, but something which until now I was able to overlook--she refuses to shave her pit hair. I'm no longer warm to the idea of my girl having as much pit hair as I. What can I do?

I think you’ve laid your whole problem out for me. By dropping the “arm” out of “pit hair,” you’re conflating the armpit with the pit down below, and what freaks you out is that she has “as much” as you. As a result, you’re “no longer [feeling] warm” but growing cold as stone. What you’re suffering from here is a classic case of Medusa complex. If you remember your Greek mythology, after she was raped, Medusa’s hair was transformed by the gods into serpents, and her face became so terrible that one glimpse would turn a man to stone.

To lay it out, all too briefly and simplistically, hair=snakes=penises. All the pit hair freaks men out because it suggests that the woman has a penis too or OMG! that she might have taken your penis! The time-honored solution is to castrate these penises, just as Perseus did by cutting off the head of Medusa. So our culture requires women to take razors to their bodies and cut off all the offending hair in order to render themselves non-threatening.

Instead of requiring this symbolic castration of women, how about we confront our fears head on and castrate, de-capitate them instead? This does not mean simply waving away fears of castration as silly, because they’re far too deeply embedded for that. Just as Dr. Strangelove had to learn to stop worrying and love the bomb, we need to learn to stop worrying about castration and embrace the fact that, essentially, the penis is always already castrated! After all, dude, how could your girlfriend have it, if you didn’t already lose it or lose control of it?

9.) There's a girl who I'm interested in and vice versa. But the chemistry we have online via facebook and IM doesn't really transfer when we do go out and are face-to-face; it's like pulling teeth with her. It's obvious she's shy, so maybe I should be patience. But I've been patient long enough and am starting to get annoyed. What should be my next move, if it isn't just to move on?

If it feels like pulling teeth, stop pulling! It probably hurts her as much as it hurts you. Some people just have an easier time revealing themselves, giving themselves to someone else, when that other person isn’t there, in front of them, pulling their teeth. If you like what you’re learning about her through IM, facebook, or other forms of communication, then pursue it. If she clams up when you get face-to-face, then do something else that doesn’t involve so much talking-like kissing, dancing, strolling arm in arm.

10.) How would you compare the love-lives of the following: a literature-enthusiast, and someone whose daily reading consists of skimming the back of a cereal box whenever they're bored at the breakfast table?

It’s an enduring stereotype in our culture: in one corner, the barely literate he-man or caveman who is brimming over with unrepressed sexuality. Think of Marlon Brando as Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire, bringing home the slab of meat from the butcher’s, wrapped in a bloody piece of paper, and thumping it down on the table in front of his wife. In the other corner, there’s the stereotype of the effete egghead who is so repressed, whose sexual desires are so sublimated, that he forgets he has a penis or what to do with it. I believe in busting these boundaries; I believe that you can go so deep into these matters, intellectually, that you can come out the far side, less repressed, more adventurous, more open to experience, and capable of fuller pleasures, than any simple brute.

11.) I recently met someone, and the times we've had together were great. But sudden circumstances had cut short what could have been a romance, forcing us to be miles and miles apart. Should I believe that there is still some hope in the end, or should I give up and be content with just being friends?

If indeed romance was budding between you, you’ll find that you won’t “be content with just being friends.” You’ll find ways to feed the fire and overcome the miles in between you.

12.) I’m very choosy when it comes to potential serious relationships. That being said, I feel lonely sometimes. Should I stop being so choosy and finally branch out, or is it best to be this way?

When you’re talking about “serious relationships,” you’re talking about someone with whom you might like to share the rest of your life. “Choosy” is good here. If that leaves you feeling lonely, then, yes, by all means “branch out” and make a range of friends that you like to do different things with: drinking buddies, someone to go to movies, concerts, or plays with, a dance partner, a book group, a softball team, a panty slave–whatever it takes to make your life full.

13.) My girlfriend can’t keep her hands off my ass while we’re having sex. Whether it’s a touch, a grab, or a slap, I’m OK with; it’s actually all quite flattering. But recently she mentioned possible assplay, which I’m afraid I’m not OK with. I’m also afraid that this is quite important to her. Sex, after all, is very important to us as a couple. How can I break this out to her without risking a possible breakup?

The ass is the gateway to the anus and presumably that’s why you’re uncomfortable going any further up this dark alley. In many cultures, much of the time, the anus falls foul of that line that separates the clean from the unclean, the proper from the improper, and so assplay can feel transgressive. And since she’s the one interested in playing with your ass, that would mean having her fingers or her fist penetrating your anus, which, symbolically, would represent a complete reversal of traditional sex roles. So it’s understandable if this suggestion makes you uncomfortable.

But, instead of getting all anal, slamming the door, and telling your girlfriend this is off limits, how about if you explore why it makes you so uncomfortable. And while you’re rotating on this subject, puh-leeze, initiate a conversation with her about why she’s so keen on it. You could both learn a lot about each other from this, including, possibly, that you aren’t as compatible as you thought.

By the way, did you know that hog and beef “bungs” are still commonly used to stuff larger salamis, bologna, and headcheese?

14.) I love to kiss, and from what I’ve been told, I’m great at it. I recently made out with a good friend, which I obviously didn’t mind doing but I now regret it. I keep getting calls and messages, which tells me this friend yearns to be something more than a friend. Should I take this as a lesson that I should ease up on the kissing, however much I love it?

It sounds like, for you, kissing is a simple, pleasurable act, with no strings attached. For most other people, however, you need to understand that kissing is a prelude, a declaration of interest in romance. So if you led this friend to believe that you’re interested in more than just a one-time necking session, you need to pick up that phone, return those calls, explain yourself, and apologize. Kissing with no strings attached is fine, as long as the person on the other side shares your understanding. So use that tongue to talk before you turn it loose in someone else’s mouth.

As for me, I love tongue. Tongue tacos are one of my favorites.

15.) Until now, I was quite demanding about my men; before, I required them to be beefy, hairy pillars of masculinity. My recent open-mindedness helped lead me to a wonderful relationship with a man I’m loving more and more. But sometimes my old particularity speaks back to me, and often I find myself thinking, “If only he’d grow some facial and chest hair” and “Eat something already! The boy’s too skinny!” Is there something I can do about this? Am I wrong for secretly wanting a prototypical man?

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who does not match this ideal and you’re “loving” him “more and more,” then this is a perfect opportunity to turn a critical eye on the standards you’ve blindly accepted and imposed until now, learn a little bit about yourself, and grow as a person. Ask where these ideas of masculinity come from, why you’ve clung to them and enforced them so stringently, and whether they really define something you need to make you happy. Whatevuh ya do, fuggitabout changin da guy you love into da guy you think he ought to be in order for you to love him. Ain’t no surer way to turn him off than that, sweetheart.

Tom, 33

1.) Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?

I definitely look at everyone and everything like I’m judging a steer on the hoof. Remember that you want an animal that has a shiny coat, has good conformation and isn’t too skinny. Skinny animals have bad genetics and taste gamey.

2.) Have you ever thought about sex while you’re handling meat?

That was the thing that totally freaked me out when I first started cutting, I couldn’t stop thinking about sex while I was handling the meat! The smell and texture of good beef definitely will make you think of more carnal things. I also catch myself thinking about women’s cabooses when I look at the ham of a hanging pig. What can you do?

3.) What's the best way to pick up a butcher?

Butcher’s do get picked up. They pick you up. But seriously, order something really cool and interesting like marrow bones and some flat iron steaks and then invite them over for dinner so they can “show you how to cook it.” Works more often than you might guess.

4.) As the old saying goes, “The way to one’s heart is through their stomach.” How would you put this bit of wisdom into practice?

Don’t cook anything heavy. When I’m making a romantic dinner I usually steal some ideas from the Moro cookbook. All the recipes are easy to make, light, interesting and super tasty. You won’t be getting very much action if the object of your desire is full of beef stew and cabbage. It’s hard to feel sexy if all you’re thinking about is taking a serious trip to the bathroom.

5.) Should love always need be a messy, if not sometimes bloody, affair?

If it’s not messy then you’re not doing it right. Bloody on the other hand is a matter of personal preference. I vote yes.

6.) I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks. We flirt a lot and hang out, but I'd like to take things further. How can I keep my cool but get her to want to be exclusive?

Be confident. Tell her that you are really into her. Tell her all the reasons why she is the sexiest woman in the world. Tell her that you want her to be your girl. If she doesn’t go for it then cancel the whole thing. Don’t waste either of your time by being passive aggressive or by drawing out a relationship where both people aren’t totally signed on. That’s just stupid.

7.) My boyfriend and I both love going to the movies, but all he ever wants to see is bloody horror and action flicks, which I secretly despise. How do we reach a compromise without a.) hurting his feelings and b.) wasting any more of his or my money?

Why not compromise? You see the movies you know that he’s going to hate with your friends and he can see the really disgusting torture-porn horror movies with his creepy friends. Then you can agree to switch off going to movies that you’ll both at least not actively hate. If you can’t solve something as small as what movie you’re going to see together I don’t think you’re going to fare very well when a more serious conflict comes up.

8.) Don’t get me wrong, I love the girl I’m seeing now, but there’s something which until now I was able to overlook—she refuses to shave her pit hair. I’m no longer warm to the idea of my girl having as much pit hair as I. What can I do?

Ask her why she’s growing her pits out. Talk to her about it. One of you might change the other’s mind about it. If she won’t shave them after that than all you can do is watch sexy French movies and see if you can reeducate yourself.

9.) There’s a girl I know who I’m interested in and vice versa. But the chemistry we have online via facebook and IM doesn’t really transfer when we do go out and are face-to-face; it’s like pulling teeth with her. It’s obvious she’s shy, so maybe I should be patient. But I’ve been patient long enough and am starting to get annoyed. What should be my next step, if it isn’t to just move on?

Get her really drunk or do something extreme like skinny dipping and see if you can draw her out. If that doesn’t work then it’s time to slip her some LSD.

10.) Five months ago I met the perfect girl; we've been exclusive ever since - but she just got transferred to a new job in another state. We don't have the money to see each other often. How can I make our relationship work?

You can’t. Sorry, I’ve tried doing the long distance thing and it is a lie. If you like each other enough one of you will move to where the other one is. If not, spare yourself the pain, doubt, anxiety and time by being an adult and calling it off.

11.) I'm very choosy when it comes to potential relationships, but that being said, I'm also lonely sometimes. My friends say I shouldn't be so choosy and just date for dating's sake, but I don't know how to lower my standards. How can I become a better dater?

Jesus no!! Never lower your standards! You’ll just end up making you and the person that you’re with feel bad. You need to get better at finding your type of person. Think about who you’ve been happy with in the past and ask yourself what bar they would hang out at after work and go there.

12.) My girlfriend can’t keep her hands off my ass while we’re having sex. Whether it’s a touch, a grab, or a slap, I’m OK with; it’s actually all quite flattering. But recently she mentioned possible assplay, which I’m not OK with. I’m also afraid that this is quite important to her. How can I break this out to her without risking a possible breakup?

Don’t take this whole assplay thing so seriously! Just tell her that you’re not into it. When I moved to New York six years ago it seemed like every girl I dated had nipple rings and tried to stick their finger in my butt and I was like “ Hey, stop that!” It never seemed to effect our sex life negatively which makes me think that an editor at a woman’s magazine was playing a prank on the males of the species by including it in one of those “Things that will drive him wild in bed!” things. Also, consider the idea that your girlfriend might suspect that you’re half gay.

13.) I got drunk and made out with a good friend. It was great, but now she's calling and texting me all the time. I don't want a relationship with her, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. What should I say or do?

Sorry, you kind of screwed the pooch on that one. There’s no way to put that genie back in the bottle. She’s obviously in love with you and if you’re not into her that way then you are going to have let the whole thing cool down for a few months and see if you can manage to get over it. That said, she’ll probably hate whoever you date from now on so keep that in mind.

14.) Until now, I was quite demanding about my men; before, I required them to be beefy, hairy pillars of masculinity. My recent open-mindedness helped lead me to a wonderful relationship with a man I’m loving more and more. But sometimes my old particularity speaks back to me, and often I find myself thinking, “If only he’d grow some facial and chest hair” and “Eat something already! The boy’s too skinny!” Is there something I can do about this? Am I wrong for secretly wanting a prototypical man?

You’re not wrong. Dating skinny, wusscore guys is lame. The fact that you chose the words “I’m loving more and more” seems to make me think that you’re talking yourself into it. You know your type, go with it. If you don’t you’re just going to end up cheating on this breadstick because you want to get tossed around and treated like a lady by someone who weighs more than you do.

Dino, 29

1.) Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?

Absolutely. Even though as a butcher you cut and prepare different meats, the flesh you’re handling is as red as your own. We’re all animals, after all; we just happen to be on top of the food chain. So I do see the human body with a meat man’s eye sometimes. Especially when I look at myself, I can see some parts, like my lil’ love handles, and imagine them on the cutting board for me to trim and shave off, just like that. If only it were that easy, and not as disturbing and suicidal as it would be in real life.

2.) Have you ever thought about sex while you’re handling meat?

Oh man, all the time. I think it comes with the territory, though. Whether I’ve got a handful of ground chunk or about to slap a hand on a rump roast, some of the touches and sounds of the butcher biz remind me of nights well spent with fleshy hookups. You can’t allow yourself to be too distracted, though, or else you’ll handle your knife the wrong way.

3.) What's the best way to pick up a butcher?

To answer this, I’ll tell a quick story. There was this woman who came to my shop one day, as cute and short and skinny as a fairy. She looked she’d sooner be in the vegan aisle of a Whole Foods than my butcher shop, but here she was, asking for a beef sirloin tip. I asked if this was for a dinner party. She said no; she had just finished a really good day at work and wanted to treat herself by having a whole roast sirloin to herself for dinner. I was shocked, and I fell for her that minute. That was about a year ago, and we’re still boyfriend and girlfriend. So I guess the best way to pick up a butcher is to show that you’ve got a real meat tooth, in spite of everything else.

4.) As the old saying goes, “The way to one’s heart is through their stomach.” How would you put this bit of wisdom into practice?

I think that saying’s true when you keep your meal simple but decadent. Case in point—a full rack of barbecue ribs and a 6-pack of your finest beer. A meal like that--nothing complicated, nothing fancy—gives you that warm feeling you get when you want to cuddle with the person you just had exhausting, nasty, but awesome sex with. And no, that warm feeling isn’t heartburn or something like that; it’s something special.

5.) Should love always need be a messy, if not sometimes bloody, affair?

Oh yeah. Not literally, of course, unless if we’re talking about a sadomasochistic couple. I think much of the hurt and trouble that comes with love is the result of brutal honesty. Some of the things your lover says you may not like, and some of the things you do might cause some fights between you two, but if you both really love and care for each other, you come to learn and work with each other’s faults, however much of a wrench they are in the relationship.

6.) I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks. We flirt a lot and hang out, but I'd like to take things further. How can I keep my cool but get her to want to be exclusive?

Sounds like this is an urgent case! But the truth is—it isn’t, nor should it be. You’ve only been seeing her for a few weeks, and people tend to get scared if things are moving too fast. A girl would want to go exclusive with you if you’ve become someone they know real well, someone they can trust, and someone they crave. So make her want more by being the guy she hangs out with, has fun with, can talk to but can’t quite put her finger on when it comes to a boyfriend-girlfriend deal. She’d think about that mystery so often she’d want you to herself, and when that time comes, you’ll know what to do. She doesn’t even have to say anything; you can sense it.

7.) My boyfriend and I both love going to the movies, but all he ever wants to see is bloody horror and action flicks, which I secretly despise. How do we reach a compromise without a.) hurting his feelings and b.) wasting any more of his or my money?

I’m sure he’s got some friends who love those same movies. And I can sympathize with you—it’s torturous to sit through a movie that makes you hate mankind. Just gently break it to him that you hate horror and action films and that next time he should invite a friend instead. I know it sounds all too simple, and that your boyfriend may not be too excited over what you got to say, but if he’s reasonable, it should work out. In the end, his feelings should be alright, and you won’t be wasting any more money. As for his money, well, I guess there are some things you can’t save in a relationship.

8.) Don't get me wrong, I love the girl I'm seeing now, but there's something which until now I was able to overlook--she refuses to shave her pit hair. I'm no longer warm to the idea of my girl having as much pit hair as I. What can I do?

Wow. I don’t know if this girl’s obsessing over being all-naturale or if it’s a feminist front or what. Now I’ve got nothing against gender equality, but seriously? Pit hair? And as much as you have? There are just certain things men and women shouldn’t be equal on—like pit hair or facial hair. Let her know it’s now becoming a distraction, that it’s starting to take away from the attraction you have for her. You lived with it long enough, anyway. If this relationship’s serious, and if she’s not selfish, she should understand. If not, then move on to a woman who’s more woman than man.

9.) There's a girl who I'm interested in and vice versa. But the chemistry we have online via facebook and IM doesn't really transfer when we do go out and are face-to-face; it's like pulling teeth with her. It's obvious she's shy, so maybe I should be patient. But I've been patient long enough and am starting to get annoyed. What should be my next move, if it isn't to just move on?

I’ve been with these types before, and they are annoying. I don’t get why people rely too much on the internet to do the talking for them. The art of social conversation seems to be slipping away for some people. You say she’s shy, but you also hinted you’ve tried to break her out of her shell, and it never worked. So move on, you’re wasting your time. Let her find someone who’s just as fine with message boards and wall posts carrying the social weight, and let yourself find someone who can actually talk.

10.) Five months ago I met the perfect girl; we've been exclusive ever since - but she just got transferred to a new job in another state. We don't have the money to see each other often. How can I make our relationship work?

I don’t think it can work under the circumstances. She’s got a new job in another state, and you’ve already got one where you are; in these times, you’ve got to do what you got to do to hold your own. If she is the perfect girl for you, and you her perfect man, you will both have to make an arrangement so that you can see other people in the meantime, while trying to fix up a reunion in the end. This may sound a bit idealistic, and it is; if too much time goes by, it’s likely the both of you will grow out of the relationship and move on.

11.) I'm very choosy when it comes to potential relationships, but that being said, I'm also lonely sometimes. My friends say I shouldn't be so choosy and just date for dating's sake, but I don't know how to lower my standards. How can I become a better dater?

Lower your standards? Who would really want to lower their standards? Unless if you’re a prick about your particularity, then lowering your standards shouldn’t be an option. It sounds like you’re cautious—really, really cautious—when it comes to dating, which can be a good thing, in spite of the loneliness. There’s no waste of emotion, and no waste of money. Think of it as you waiting for the right one; he or she will be worth all those lonely times you could have easily spent with awful or underwhelming people you would’ve kicked to the curb anyway.

12.) My girlfriend can’t keep her hands off my ass while we’re having sex. Whether it’s a touch, a grab, or a slap, I’m OK with; it’s actually all quite flattering. But recently she mentioned possible assplay, which I’m not OK with. I’m also afraid that this is quite important to her. How can I break this out to her without risking a possible breakup?

Sex is extremely important in a relationship; if someone’s not getting his or her fill in the bedroom, it’s only a matter of time before the whole thing blows over. I say just man up and let her jam a finger in there if she wants to. She must love you, your body, and is comfortable with who you are and the way you make her feel when she’s with you, so, in this situation, do as little as possible to diminish that, if assplay is really that important to her. I can understand where you are coming from—I’d immediately say no if my girl wanted to use a dildo on me. So let her know you’re willing to try some assplay but with limits, so she’ll learn you’re not too comfortable with the whole idea but appreciate you’re willing to try for her sake.

13.) I got drunk and made out with a good friend. It was great, but now she's calling and texting me all the time. I don't want a relationship with her, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. What should I say or do?

You might have made a big mistake there, since she thinks you’ve opened a door for her you didn’t intend to open at all. She must have been crushing on you for a while, and now since you made out with her, she sees that a relationship is possible with the good friend she always wanted as a boyfriend. I think your friendship can still be saved once you tell her the truth, which is what you should really do if you’re any friend to her at all. Just don’t expect the friendship to be as good as it once was. You’ll be lucky enough as it is if she’ll still keep in touch with you, because stuff like this is hard and painful, with more failures than successes.

14.) Until now, I was quite demanding about my men; before, I required them to be beefy, hairy pillars of masculinity. My recent open-mindedness helped lead me to a wonderful relationship with a man I’m loving more and more. But sometimes my old particularity speaks back to me, and often I find myself thinking, “If only he’d grow some facial and chest hair” and “Eat something already! The boy’s too skinny!” Is there something I can do about this? Am I wrong for secretly wanting a prototypical man?

This is like the dude with the hairy armpit girlfriend; as he should leave for a woman who’s more woman than man, you should leave for a man who’s more man than woman. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the opposite sex for who they are—the opposite sex. Just let Peter Pan know what’s up, and if he can’t make some allowances for you like you did him, then move on to someone who’ll complete your ‘man’ to your ‘woman,’ you know? Or else those “beefy, hairy pillars” are going to haunt your dreams and you won’t be able to sleep.