*originally published on Nerve.com, October 9th, 2009. Here is the unedited version.
Julie, 40
1. As Aaliyah once said, 'Age ain't nothing but a number.' I'm dating an older woman. We have great chemistry, but she's worried about the age difference and thinks we should break up for both our long-term sakes'...but we always end up back in bed, together. What should we do? I'm 22 and she's 31.
When a man says to a woman “we should break up for both our long-term sakes” this means “I don’t want to have babies with you.” When a woman says this to a man, it means “I want to have babies, but not with you.” You are 22 and have zero business having kids (after all, you quoted Aaliyah, ‘nuff said.) You also say that you have great “chemistry” (=hot sex) with this woman, but you do not say that you are in love with her. Do her a favor, and let her go. Once she hits 35, her dating prospects will go to shit, and I doubt you want to see someone you care about reproducing with the gene pool rejects that are left over. Maybe you can be her tennis instructor or cabana boy once she realizes how utterly bored she is in 5 years.
2. What can mathematics teach us about sex?
1+1+1 has four possible solutions.
3. In order for a relationship to work, should you approach it as if it were calculable and determinable, or treat it as if were a variable, where anything goes?
You are still a virgin, aren’t you?
4. What's the best way to pick up a mathematician?
“Hey baby, wanna measure my circumference?”
5. What's the best tool of your trade to bring into the bedroom? (And how would you use it?
Hey, where’d my pencil go?
6. I had a bad breakup a year ago, and can't quite seem to get back into dating. I have a ton of girls who are friends, and some of them might want more--but I find excuses to never take it to the next level. How can I stop self-sabotaging myself, and get over my fears?
Are you sure these friends of yours actually want you? You sound like a whiner to me.
7. My boyfriend and I go to different colleges. We've been dating a year, but he still gets so insecure when we're apart. He calls and texts constantly, and is suspicious of any guy friends I make. I love my boyfriend, but his insecurity is driving me away. What should I do?
Oh, me, me, me, I know the answer to this!!! Dump him. NOW. Does he ask you what you wore today and who you talked to? I had one of those (Hi Dan !!!) Do not burn 9 fucking years of your hot self on this guy when you could be out there meeting someone else. Sometimes these guys will change, but they will never change with YOU.
8. I love and adore my girlfriend, but her fashion sense is killing me. Maybe I’m a bit behind today’s fashion trends, but I feel like she’s old enough to dress like a woman, not a rainbow-drenched scenester. How can I talk to her about this without coming off as a superficial jack-ass?
Convince her that you have a fetish for evening gowns and/or business wear and ask her to dress up for you. Make sure you go on and on and on about how hot she looks and how much it turns you on to see her dressed this way. You might still come off as a superficial jack-ass, but most women are more tolerant of sex-related jack-assery than guys telling us how to dress.
9. She swore she came, twice. But we were drunk and she was dry the whole time. I'm coming off a long dry spell, and in spite of what she said, I''m afraid I've have lost my touch for foreplay, which doesn’t do well for my confidence now that I’m trying to date again. What should I do now?
Tell her you had fun but you’d like to try it again more sober. If she declines, you will know she was lying about getting off. No woman is going to turn down someone who can make her come twice on the first try (drunk, no less.) At the very least, if she says yes, you will have a second chance to achieve something better than sloppy drunken sex. If she says no, try to be sober(ish) with whatever girl you end up with next time.
10. I'm crazy about this girl I've been dating for six months—but she just issued an ultimatum: either I give up weed, or she gives up me. She doesn't smoke, but I never knew it was such a big issue for her. We're totally compatible in every other way, but now I think that she may not appreciate who I really am. What should I do?
Well, but maybe the next girlfriend will love the ganga but not be willing to shave her cooch or her legs because “you are a pig for even asking.” (Hi Berkeley!) Yeah, there’s chicks like me who have brains and are well-groomed and dirty in bed and smoke dope with abandon. We are pretty rare, and when you meet us you are too fucking intimidated to date us, so figure out what you can deal with in a normal girl. And, before you give up all hope, find out what bothers her about the weed. Maybe it’s the smoking aspect, and she’d let you chow down on pot brownies once in a while?
11. My boyfriend and I get along great. He's kind, funny, sexy--the only problem is, he doesn't talk when we eat dinner together! It's like pulling teeth to get him to chat; he smiles, eats, and answers my questions--but if I didn't say anything, we would be silent for an hour. Other than that, he's perfect. How can I teach him the art of conversation?
I suspect you are one of those chicks who just yap yap yaps all the time, and men deal with this by saying nothing, tuning you out and waiting for you to get bored of talking to yourself. I’d suggest shutting up and letting him initiate the conversation. He probably won’t do this the first night or the second night, but after five nights of silence, I bet he says something. If he doesn’t do it, then he doesn’t want to talk with you during dinner.
12. What's an automatic dealbreaker when dating?
Most dealbreakers depend on the person. Maybe you can tolerate dumb chicks, and maybe you can’t. One thing is pretty absolute, though. If someone treats you with repeated disrespect, dump their ass and tell them exactly why. You will be doing the person who comes after you a favor.
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John, 30
Q: As Aaliyah once said, 'Age ain't nothing but a number.' I'm dating an older woman. We have great chemistry, but she's worried about the age difference and thinks we should break up for both our long-term sakes'...but we always end up back in bed, together. What should we do? I'm 22 and she's 31.
A: A good rule of thumb is that it's not creepy as long as the younger partner isn't younger than half the older partner's age, plus seven years. Right now you're just on the cusp, but if you give it a few months you'll be fine. And if she's in grad school that's probably enough arrested development on her part to smooth over the difference. -----
Q: What can mathematics teach us about sex?
A: There's a huge gap between theory and practice. -----
Q: In order for a relationship to work, should you approach it as if it were calculable and determinable, or treat it as if were a variable, where anything goes?
A: Relationships are chaotic, but there are patches of order even within a chaotic system. It's important to find and remember these regular, reoccurring patterns, like her birthday and your anniversary. -----
Q: What's the best way to pick up a mathematician?
A: It depends on the kind of mathematician. Differential geometers will be impressed by interesting curvatures. Algebraic geometers are all about ideals. Topologists will appreciate flexibility, while analysts like nice tight bounds. And don't even get me started on the group theorists. -----
Q: What's the best tool of your trade to bring into the bedroom? (And how would you use it?
A: A chalkboard. It's all well and good to have an idea for a new position, but it's so much easier to explain if you can sketch a diagram. -----
Q: I had a bad breakup a year ago, and can't quite seem to get back into dating. I have a ton of girls who are friends, and some of them might want more--but I find excuses to never take it to the next level. How can I stop self-sabotaging myself, and get over my fears?
A: It's tempting to get as much information as you can before taking any definite action. There's always another scenario to imagine, plan for, and try to take into consideration. But at some point you have to have to get something explicit out on the sheets in front of you. Luckily, peer-review can help refine your raw ideas. Run things by a friend and see what he thinks. Whatever he says to try, go for it. You have nothing to lose but your grant funding. -----
Q: My boyfriend and I go to different colleges. We've been dating a year, but he still gets so insecure when we're apart. He calls and texts constantly, and is suspicious of any guy friends I make. I love my boyfriend, but his insecurity is driving me away. What should I do?
A: We go to high school to learn from one group of people. We go away to college to learn from a different group. A new grad school brings a new group, and postdocs bring even more variety. After that you can look for a tenure-track position, but now is not the time. -----
Q: I love and adore my girlfriend, but her fashion sense is killing me. Maybe I’m a bit behind today’s fashion trends, but I feel like she’s old enough to dress like a woman, not a rainbow-drenched scenester. How can I talk to her about this without coming off as a superficial jack-ass?
A: I'd bring her by the math department. After introducing her to three or four 40-year-olds wearing corduroys, flip-flops, and t-shirts based on webcomics, she'll come around. -----
Q: She swore she came, twice. But we were drunk and she was dry the whole time. I'm coming off a long dry spell, and in spite of what she said, I''m afraid I've have lost my touch for foreplay, which doesn’t do well for my confidence now that I’m trying to date again. What should I do now?
A: First off, too much to drink always gives me trouble with counting, which is why bartenders either love or hate me. Best to avoid it when you're working on an important problem. Other than that, if something doesn't seem to add up as you think it should, I'd suggest going back and trying it again until you figure out what you missed. -----
Q: I'm crazy about this girl I've been dating for six months—but she just issued an ultimatum: either I give up weed, or she gives up me. She doesn't smoke, but I never knew it was such a big issue for her. We're totally compatible in every other way, but now I think that she may not appreciate who I really am. What should I do?
A: Ultimatums are never good ideas. You can't just assert something without giving a documented chain of reasoning leading up to your conclusion if you ever want to convince anyone that you're correct. And you're both doing it right now. On her end, why is the weed such a problem for her? You don't mention if she's explained that much to you (while you're not high). And for your part, are you serious that the weed is "who you really are"? Why is it so important that you would be irrevocably changed if you were to quit smoking up? The law of the excluded middle isn't always true. Maybe there's a compromise to be reached. But if you can't quit with the pot and she can't be with someone who smokes pot, then we've got a contradiction that undercuts the assumption that you're compatible to begin with. -----
Q: My boyfriend and I get along great. He's kind, funny, sexy--the only problem is, he doesn't talk when we eat dinner together! It's like pulling teeth to get him to chat; he smiles, eats, and answers my questions--but if I didn't say anything, we would be silent for an hour. Other than that, he's perfect. How can I teach him the art of conversation?
A: I've been standing in front of classrooms for years and I still don't know how to get someone to talk voluntarily. If he can hold up a conversation away from the dinner table, I'd suggest working around it. You can use mealtime to talk about your day, since he's obviously listening to you then. After dinner it's his turn. -----
Q: What's an automatic dealbreaker when dating?
A: Dividing by zero. Don't even try it.
Ben, 33
1. As Aaliyah once said, 'Age ain't nothing but a number.' I'm dating an older woman. We have great chemistry, but she's worried about the age difference and thinks we should break up for both our long-term sakes'...but we always end up back in bed, together. What should we do? I'm 22 and she's 31.
I've never really concerned myself with age gaps. Great chemistry is great chemistry, especially in the bedroom. Is she proposing a preemptive break up? It could be that her concerns go beyond the age gap since her proposal indicates a perceived emotional threat. After all, perceived threat can instigate real reaction (see for instance the Cold War). Perhaps you should fire your missiles first and set your sights on a country less concerned with age.
2. What can mathematics teach us about sex?
According to my calculations...multiple by five...carry the one...subtract seventeen...yes, mathematics has taught me next to nothing about sex and the art of enticing women; I'm no Monet by the way. If there is one thing that mathematics has taught me that is relevant to relationships and sex, its to make no unnecessary assumptions. Each nuance I learn with regard to sex, romance, and women, I tally in my mental notepad. I'm not easily shocked or surprised. Consequently, my margin notes rarely say “holy sh*t, what a freak!” and even then, sometimes they get a smiley face sticker and a yellow memo asking them to see the teacher after class.
3. In order for a relationship to work, should you approach it as if it were calculable and determinable, or treat it as if were a variable, where anything goes?
People and relationships are complex beyond what mathematics can reasonably handle in my humble opinion. Thus, the distinguished gentlemen votes HIGHLY variable and abstains from implementing any form of logic to predict people, more specifically women, and the course of any relationship. Y'all ladies are an encrypted mystery that even mathematics fails to decipher.
4. What's the best way to pick up a mathematician?
It depends on the mathematician. As you would expect, mathematicians vary across the full spectrum of personalities. The stereotypical mathematician is shy, so I wouldn't come on too strong. Buy him or her a drink (or a nice pen and pad of paper). Repeat until they've thawed enough and then simply listen. People like to talk, even if at first they resist, mathematician or not. You could go another direction with the shy and just start off with a little playful dirty talk. Keep it classy but make it sexy and be sure to exude confidence. Sex talk cleverly done via analogy always gets me, especially if she can keep up the wit with a straight face.
5. What's the best tool of your trade to bring into the bedroom? (And how would you use it?
Oh boy, I'm not sure my mathematical tools can be employed in the bedroom! I learn many areas of mathematics by studying different examples that exhibit a wide range of behavior. My knowledge in the bedroom is based on this approach. I have methods for establishing what example best fits a particular woman. I know ladies, I'm a TRUE romantic. You can reach me at 555-LOVE if you want to know what example best fits you.
6. I had a bad breakup a year ago, and can't quite seem to get back into dating. I have a ton of girls who are friends, and some of them might want more--but I find excuses to never take it to the next level. How can I stop self-sabotaging myself, and get over my fears?
When is a break up good? Don't complicate things so much. When you're around the women in your stable, do you hear church bells or smell the stench of desperation (its musty with a subtle undertone of mothballs)? Initially, I doubt they want much and this is good for a gun shy fellow like yourself. Keep it casual and let nature proceed as intended. To quote a good friend, excuses don't win ballgames and you ain't even playing Johnny. Get up to bat and see what your stick can do.
7. My boyfriend and I go to different colleges. We've been dating a year, but he still gets so insecure when we're apart. He calls and texts constantly, and is suspicious of any guy friends I make. I love my boyfriend, but his insecurity is driving me away. What should I do?
My guess would be that he's been cheated on before. Perhaps its as simple as a dishonest mother, sister, or prominent female in his life. The bottom line is that this is a preexisting issue, provided you haven't been the prominent woman that cheated on or lied to him. Personally, I would pull the plug. You have distance and a serious preexisting issue, two lethal ailments for any relationship. I would guess if you continued and he kept scratching this itch, the spot would swell, fester, and ultimately rupture in a discharge of infidelity on your part. Better to end it now than to be another lying, cheating b*tch, ruining him for years and costing him untold dollars in therapy. He sounds like a character from Dante!
8. I love and adore my girlfriend, but her fashion sense is killing me. Maybe I’m a bit behind today’s fashion trends, but I feel like she’s old enough to dress like a woman, not a rainbow-drenched scenester. How can I talk to her about this without coming off as a superficial jack-ass?
Step 1. Check your available credit. Step 2. If your available credit is sufficiently below your limit, tell her that you want to treat her to a day of shopping. Before shopping, educate yourself on fashion. Let her pick out items but also pick out items for her to try on that you rate as worthy of such a sultry siren. Be sure to select pieces that fit her body type! Don't dog her selections. Play up yours. Step 3. If she selects items you like, buy them. Otherwise, suggest a different store. Complain about the store having a poor selection or about the service girl being caddy. Be sincere. Step 4. Repeat Steps 2 and 3 until you break her bad fashion habits. Step 5. Be thankful she isn't wearing Uggs with low riding pink hot pants, a green half-shirt tank top, a black bra encrusted with rhinestones, and a flesh tone t-back pulled two inches above the waist line of the hot pants. Note: If your balance is near the max, either get a new job, be a superficial jackass, or live with it. Make the call dude. At the end of the day, regardless of what she wears, where do her clothes end up? Yeah, that's right.
9. She swore she came, twice. But we were drunk and she was dry the whole time. I'm coming off a long dry spell, and in spite of what she said, I''m afraid I've have lost my touch for foreplay, which doesn’t do well for my confidence now that I’m trying to date again. What should I do now?
Call me naive but when she says she came, I trust her unless I have a reason not to. By the way, not the best topic to harp on as you're essentially calling her a liar in the bedroom. There is a high variance “down there”. Short of quizzing you on your technique and pulling out a diagram indicating the various pleasure regions and how to work them (if you have doubts, I'm sure Google, a Sex Ed book, or Vivid can assist), trust yourself. No women wants a lover that constantly asks “Was I good? Oh damn, I wasn't good was I? Sh*t, I'll do better next time!” Give it time, listen to her body and pay attention to how she reacts. She will tell you what works if you listen.
10. I'm crazy about this girl I've been dating for six months—but she just issued an ultimatum: either I give up weed, or she gives up me. She doesn't smoke, but I never knew it was such a big issue for her. We're totally compatible in every other way, but now I think that she may not appreciate who I really am. What should I do?
Lay off the pipe Pookie! I'm not sure what it says about you that smoking weed is a note worthy part of your essence. If she's great, then putting the pipe down shouldn't be a big deal. How much are you smoking anyhow? Perhaps you can strike a compromise and smoke less. You could always try the well known technique of moving to the hard stuff and then claim to give that it up for her. On the other hand, you really might become Pookie, crouched in the corner, naked with your lips around the glass d*ck, tears streaming down your face. Given that alternative, maybe you should lay your weed smoking days to rest to the soothing notes of Amazing Grace before you wake up one day thinking you're an orange.
11. My boyfriend and I get along great. He's kind, funny, sexy--the only problem is, he doesn't talk when we eat dinner together! It's like pulling teeth to get him to chat; he smiles, eats, and answers my questions--but if I didn't say anything, we would be silent for an hour. Other than that, he's perfect. How can I teach him the art of conversation?
If he's anything like my father, you might have to live with this. When my father eats, its like a hyena gorging on the meat and bone of a zebra. I kid you not, if you touch him, its Custard's last stand. He surrounds his food with his arms and glares at you with the snarled expression of a cornered badger. Was your boyfriend ever in prison? I had a friend (his name was Bear) who, when he got out of state, ate every meal in two minutes. I would suggest ordering a drink before dinner. A nice cab or a refreshing mojito to initiate the conversation before the feeding begins. If the conversation is off and running prior to the food, it should require less effort to maintain while you eat. Pick a topic that particularly peaks his interest. Sexual fantasies you each have would be a nice topic and could ensure that you have your dessert at home.
12. What's an automatic dealbreaker when dating?
I'll give three. (1) A lack of intelligence. I once dated an extremely attractive woman that didn't even know the current president; she seriously had not even the vaguest clue. She never got any of my jokes and I found I was always having to explain my humor to her. She lasted a month; did I mention she was really hot (so bad but the honest truth). My mother will never let me forget how superficial I was as I made a rookie mistake and introduced her to my family; for the record, my father was a big fan. (2) Another deal breaker is a bad kisser. Nothing kills the moment like the amateur assault of an unskilled kisser on my mouth, tongue, and face. As a young man, I courted a lady for some time and when we first kissed, I really did think she was trying to eat me. It was sadly amusing. Thankfully, there was only a small amount of blood. (3) The absolute worst is someone that is not accepting of social diversity. There's nothing sexy about racism, religious intolerance, or cultural ignorance.
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