In our previous installment, Minilla, the son of king movie monster Godzilla, made it clear that being compared to a marshmallow fluff of a ghost like Casper is no friendly joke. Since 2004's "Godzilla: Final Wars," Minilla has been starving for more movie work, but as a victim of the much-debated obesity epidemic, and as an employee of an entertainment industry that rewards skinniness, he no longer reaps the joy of destroying cities and lunch carts on film sets.
Minilla: I haven't worked since "Godzilla: Final Wars" not because the film happened to be the very last in my father's series, as the stupid title would make you believe. As I said before, for the king of monsters, my father Godzilla, there is no such thing as a final war. And I haven't worked not because of what the numbnut critics and sci-fi geeks call my "limited acting potential or appeal" as a movie monster. I think that with my short size and baby-face looks, I can bring something different, something unexpected to the monster movie genre. It's always been about "big and ugly," anyway: that the bigger and uglier the movie monster, the better. With the exception of my dad, of course...though, admittedly, he has had his bad days, and I'm ok with saying that...
A haggard looking, turkey-necked Godzilla on the set of the 1962 monster movie classic "Godzilla vs. King Kong."
Minilla (cont'd): But the real reason why I haven't worked since 2004 is because, and I quote, "Toho Productions does not want a fat American kid for Godzilla's son in its films. It's 'Son of Godzilla,' not 'Son of Gorgezilla.'" And I thought, How shallow of them? And how dare they, knowing that I'm the son of their boss! My dad can fire, literally and in the regular job sense, any of them or all of them if he wanted to!
Me: Interesting that someone should see you embody the fat American kid stereotype, given that you're 1.) obviously not American...
Minilla: Oh hel..um, no. Definitely not.
Me: ...and 2.) you're not really a kid anymore...
Minilla: I'll be 47 years old this year, believe it or not. My fellow movie monsters tend to call me the "Gary Coleman of Monster Island." I hated them, and still do, for that. I mean, if it's truly necessary to compare me to an ageless, television sitcom midget, why not Webster?...
Me: Emmanuel Lewis.
Minilla: ...Sure. I mean, he's better looking and has more of a dignity to him. I don't think you'll ever catch him doing the Surreal Life or anything like that. He's too good for lowbrow entertainment, as am I.
Me: It's also interesting that you're this American stereotype to Toho especially in light of how America is usually distinguished as a fat nation by popular news media and its consumers, and the subsequent, and rather narrow-minded, thinking that the obesity epidemic therefore has no real bearing in other lands.
Minilla: Yeah, and of course, that goes to show you that it is not only in America where obesity is running rampant. Monster Island has been feeling its effects, too. My dad and I have gotten thicker around the middle. I think my dad is the worst off of us both, though. Not just 'cause of his age, but because he's bulged up basically everywhere, from his neck to his legs and especially his waist. Anguirus once jokingly asked him when is he ever going to shed his pregnancy weight? And Baragon, that silly-looking shit, once said that my dad has child-bearing hips. Like if he should talk. He's been a victim of the epidemic himself. Have you seen Baragon? He's got the body of a mutated baked potato.
Me: But isn't Anguirus and Baragon both hinting at a particular fact about your father, namely that he can reproduce asexually, as established in 2000's "Godzilla" with Matthew Broderick? So perhaps they aren't too far from the literal truth, when they say that Godzilla has some child-bearing hips and pregnancy weight.
Minilla: Well, I'm about to share a long-kept secret--the American Godzilla isn't really Godzilla. It's some cheap substitute which sources tell me is the monster god of Fire Island. He's closer to New York than my father here in Monster Island, so the Americans did what was most economical, no matter the shitty turnout. Typical. The American Godzilla was a bit of a femme to begin with. The whole pregnancy thing and his slender, ballet dancer body gave it away. So no, my dad, the real Godzilla, can't be said to have pregnancy weight, literally.
Me: So where was your dad during the shooting of that American film?
Minilla: Sitting on a boulder, drowning his sorrows in an air-delivered vat of cream cheese and Tim Horton's Timbits, because the Americans didn't want him for a movie that had his name!
Me: Because of economical purposes, as you said.
Minilla: And also 'cause they realized that my dad was getting a bit too thick. But I think it was all just a circumstance of this ongoing Hollywood Anorexic culture. The boniest gets all the exposure. I mean, that American Godzilla did look anorexic, like a giant Nicole Ritchie hopped up on nuclear radiation.
Me: And you're also saying that your father did not give birth to you?
Minilla: Yes.
Me: So you actually have a mother?
Minilla: Yes.
Me: How come nothing at all is known of her?
Minilla: That's 'cause A.) she was never really around. She was one of my dad's groupies, back in the early 60's. Once he knew that she was pregnant, he stopped seeing her and continued being a playboy. I guess that's how it was back in those free love days. Dad took full custody of me once I was born and my mom just swam off, to join some knitting cult, so I hear. And B.) She died shortly after she went away, weakened too much by numerous STD's and clogged arteries from too many Dunkin Donuts Munchkins, the precursor to Tim Horton's Timbits...
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