Sex Advice from Mathematicians

*originally published on Nerve.com, October 9th, 2009. Here is the unedited version.

Julie, 40

1. As Aaliyah once said, 'Age ain't nothing but a number.' I'm dating an older woman. We have great chemistry, but she's worried about the age difference and thinks we should break up for both our long-term sakes'...but we always end up back in bed, together. What should we do? I'm 22 and she's 31.

When a man says to a woman “we should break up for both our long-term sakes” this means “I don’t want to have babies with you.” When a woman says this to a man, it means “I want to have babies, but not with you.” You are 22 and have zero business having kids (after all, you quoted Aaliyah, ‘nuff said.) You also say that you have great “chemistry” (=hot sex) with this woman, but you do not say that you are in love with her. Do her a favor, and let her go. Once she hits 35, her dating prospects will go to shit, and I doubt you want to see someone you care about reproducing with the gene pool rejects that are left over. Maybe you can be her tennis instructor or cabana boy once she realizes how utterly bored she is in 5 years.

hideoUS: the ruthless truth about us in 'Brief Interviews With Hideous Men"

Before the end credits rolled, leaving a sold-out crowd at the IFC Center to anticipate the follow-up Q & A session with the film’s director John Krasinski, a quote from David Foster Wallace appeared, as if Krasinksi made sure the proverbial “last word” on Brief Interviews With Hideous Men go not to its filmmaker, but to its original, deceased author—“The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.”

Dick Jokes: A Low-Brow Low-Blow to American Sexuality?

*written sometime in August '09

No, listen folks. Here's the deal. I know you're getting concerned. Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way. Relax, I'm a professional.
-the late great Bill Hicks attempting to calm an anxious crowd

One of the funny things about Funny People, as I saw it opening night, was not that the likes of Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler tackled something as potentially grave as a mortality drama. Rather, it was the feeling, as an audience member patiently waiting through 2 ½ hours for Apatow’s comic human insight to finally reach its peak, of being slapped in the face by an orgy of dick jokes.

A Post-Rock Rendition of a Hallucination

*an excerpt from "A Lot of People Tell Me I Have a Fake British Accent"
from Don Caballero's 2000 album American Don

*Don Cab on this album is...Damon Che, Ian Williams, Eric Emm

*Buy the MP3 Album Here or Get the CD There

*Listen to the Full Version of this Track Here

Marketing Campaigns...OF THE FUTURE!!! (#1: Dos J's)

**The Scenario: Sometime soon (hopefully soon) in the future, where marijuana is legal, is sold everywhere through numerous name brands, one of which takes directly after Dos Equis in its marketing campaign. The brand in question is Dos J's (the spanish pronunciation for J is 'hota').

Soundbites From A 74 Minute Surreal Horror Surgery

*Fantomas --'Delirium Cordia' (2004): "The music [...] could be described as the score to a horror movie and/or concept album centering on the theme of surgery without anesthesia."

This Week in Shitty Poetry ....

Untitled Love Poem' by A. Kim

Sarah I'm not sober
but staggerfoot walk
down dazed Pinola.
2:00 AM trigger,
Lock:
And I'm bigger
Swimming in a bowl of high volt stars

Sex Advice From Butchers

*originally published on Nerve.com, September 11th, 2009. Here is the unedited version.

Laurence a/k/a Larbo, 48

1,) Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?

Absolutely. If you are engaged with what you are doing with your whole being–head, heart, and hands–your thinking will change the way you work and your work will change the way you think. On the one hand, working with meat demystifies the human body. So much of our culture–like most of advertising–is devoted to selling fantasies about our bodies and about sex. As a result, much of life can seem pretty disappointing simply because it fails to live up to the script running in our head 24/7. Knowing exactly where your meat comes from, slaughtering it, breaking it down, all help keep you grounded in the actual, physical, tangible realities of meat. In the slaughterhouse, nothing is airbrushed.

Sex Advice From Goths

*originally published on Nerve.com, August 7th, 2009. Here is the unedited version.

Jenna, 40

1.) Who would make a better lover and why?–Robert Smith from The Cure, Al Jourgensen from Ministry and Revolting Cocks (or RevCo), Peter Steele from Type O Negative, or Glen Danzig?

….sorry, about 250 “Revolting Cocks” jokes occurred to me and my cerebrum fused. I’m going to choose Robert Smith; any man who can wear more makeup than I do and still look sexy is probably an animal in bed.